I'm going to ask you to be gentle with this one, because it is a touchy subject for me. It's also in my blog, so if you want to know why I wrote it, you can mooch on over, but I see no need for spelling it out right here. I would really like to know if this is just emotional drivel or actually has potential. Thanks.
I hate you for not understanding
me and I can't stand the way you
talk sometimes. I'm not saying it's
any harder for me, but at least you
have something to remember, and
me, here, with nothing, no memory,
just your over-protectiveness as a
result of a tragedy, such an important
part of my life that I can't even remember.
And it is, of course, as they say, far
better to have loved and lost
than to be me, right here, with no memory.
So if you insist on bringing up something
that makes me so uncomfortable,
I don't want to speak to you anymore.
It kills me how he looked like every one
of us. Even his name hurts to say.
It is indeed, far better to have loved and lost,
to reiterate a tired but so true cliché.
Written on Thursday 3rd April at 20:00
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As has been said, this is raw and beautiful. You channel real power through it and express your emotions brilliantly. I think I'd break it up into stanzas, maybe two, to make it easier to read. Maybe break it up at words like "so" and "and". I especially like;
"I don't want to speak to you anymore.
It kills me how he looked like every one
of us. Even his name hurts to say.
It is indeed, far better to have loved and lost,
to reiterate a tired but so true cliché."
Brilliant, Matt.
Brilliantly raw. There is no fussing around, its straight to the point and i LOVE it for it. I read the story behind it on your blog, but even if I hadn't done so you wrote in a way which makes it so communicative and emotionally powerful. I like your poetry in general. Its very easy to read and this is a refreshing change from complex metaphor after complex metaphor which I always come across on this site. Good work xx
I really love this one..
I think it's beautiful,
Your a really good writer.
This poem was beautiful. I felt real pain and suffering while reading it. It wasn't some stupid fake poem like so many of them are. It was written of a real emotion and you can really sense that coming through. You asked us nnot to be so harsh, can you explain why? Sorry not to get nosy. It you don't want to that's ok. Overally i REALLY ENJOYED IT AND CONNECTED TO IT AND i FEEL MANY OTHERS COULD AS WELL. i'D LIKE TO READ THIS outlod. Sorry caps lock was on. Anyways keep up the good word I'd like to see more from you. 9.5/10
I loved this (tear)
Full of emotion. Great just great.
I like this! Very raw and powerful. I have some tips on how to make it more so;
I understand why sentences are chopped up at key points. It adds emphasis and drama. I understand why you chose the places that you did. However, if you mirror the placement of 'you' and 'me/I' in this poem, the symmetry will help exaggerate the emotional chasm between the two subjects, like a series of boxing punches. As Leja so nicely put, you can 'spit' out the 'you' even more forcefully. Let me demonstrate;
would become
I hate you for not understanding me
and I can't stand the way you
or
I hate you for not understanding
me and I can't stand the way
you talk sometimes. I'm not saying it's
for a different kind of oomph. See how in both cases they're in the same place of their respective line? This just makes maximum use of the line breaks, and paces it evenly so each 'punch' is consistent and therefore stronger (like a boxer! One-two punch, one-two punch!) (I'm on the metaphor train now...)
Other places I'd apply this;
me, here, with nothing, no memory, just
your over-protectiveness as a
Next:
This pair is both the third beat in, so it's good as is. Just pointing it out.
You can play around with this, as you have enough pronouns in here that there's a lot of different possibilities. I like how each line is roughly the same length though, so it may not be possible to mirror them in every case without sacrificing format, which is very strong the way it is.
I wouldn't attempt to break up the 'I' and 'you' in this sentence; this uninterrupted piece is strongest standing alone the way it is because it's the only complete thought in this poem that isn't broken up over more than one line. I don't know if this was unintentional, subconscious, or done on purpose, but it's perfect.
After this sentence though, the poem becomes a little disjointed. The whole poem up to this point was a focused attack on someone else, and then the speaker becomes self-reflective. It's jarring to the reader.
Where did his/her focus go? Why did it change?
There are two ways I would suggest fixing this;
(a) Put a line break before and after the 'I don't want to speak to you anymore.' It breaks up the poem so that a change in focus isn't unnatural.
So if you insist on bringing up something
that makes me so uncomfortable,
I don't want to speak to you anymore.
It kills me how he looked like every one
of us. Even his name hurts to say.
Or just a space after the 'I don't want to speak to you anymore' if you don't want the added emphasis to that line in particular.
(b) Or, you can keep the focus on the other person, by saying something like
Don't you know that is kills me how he looked like every one
of us. Even his name hurts to say.
This way, the speaker is still 'conversing' with the subject and the poem continues to flow. Obviously you might want to break up the lengthened line to make it fit in nicely with the rest.
I wish I knew exactly what the speaker was referring to in the end! If you could find a way to divulge just a bit more information, to thicken the poem with a bit of substance at the end, it would make me feel a bit more full and satisfied. :)
Hope this helped!
The "you" seems heavily accented, almost spat out. This is a good thing, since there's obviously anger directed at this "you", but it's used so often that it starts to lose its effect by the middle.
^ parts like this seem too circumstantial and emotionally charged to fit seamlessly with the rest of the poem, but the can certainly be streamlined when edited.
I think the big thing in this poem was that every line and every sentence was so pointed that together, it was almost too much to handle processing. It felt very chaotic to me; there were a lot of topics covered, and a lot of things discussed, so I had trouble seeing everything together. But I also see that it can be cleaned up very nicely indeed ^_^